Funny Quotes

Hilarious quotes for every occasion and mood

📝 100 quotes and counting

"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do."

- Unknown

Life & Motivation

"I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why they're called cell phones."

- Unknown

Life & Motivation

"Dear Monday, I want to break up. I'm seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it's not me, it's you."

- Unknown

Monday Motivation

"I'm not addicted to my phone. I can quit as soon as I finish this level."

- Unknown

Technology & Social Media

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

- Isaac Asimov

Life & Motivation

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

- Rita Mae Brown

Procrastination Quotes

"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror."

- Rodney Dangerfield

Fitness & Health

"The only exercise I excel at is jumping to conclusions."

- Unknown

Fitness & Health

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

- Groucho Marx

Relationship & Dating

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

- Mark Twain

Procrastination Quotes

"I'm not lazy, I'm just extremely productive at unimportant things."

- Unknown

Procrastination Quotes

"Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee."

- Unknown

Tea & Coffee Addiction

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with ’em later."

- Mitch Hedberg

Life & Motivation

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

- Terry Pratchett

Work & Office Humor

"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."

- Unknown

Life & Motivation

"My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home."

- Unknown

Work & Office Humor

"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."

- Unknown

Fitness & Health

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."

- Oscar Wilde

Work & Office Humor

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

Life & Motivation

"I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly."

- Unknown

Technology & Social Media

"I don't have a Facebook or a Twitter account. But I do have a life."

- Unknown

Technology & Social Media

"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."

- Bill Gates

Work & Office Humor

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

- Jack Handey

Life & Motivation

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

- Ron White

Life & Motivation

"I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman, I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together."

- Unknown

Fitness & Health

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski?"

- Unknown

Money

"I'm not broke, I'm just financially challenged."

- Unknown

Money

"Money talks. Mine always says goodbye."

- Unknown

Money

"I'm so poor I can't even pay attention."

- Ron Kittle

Money

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

- Bob Hope

Money