"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do."
- Unknown
"I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why they're called cell phones."
- Unknown
"Dear Monday, I want to break up. I'm seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it's not me, it's you."
- Unknown
"I'm not addicted to my phone. I can quit as soon as I finish this level."
- Unknown
"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
- Isaac Asimov
"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
- Rita Mae Brown
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"The only exercise I excel at is jumping to conclusions."
- Unknown
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
- Mark Twain
"I'm not lazy, I'm just extremely productive at unimportant things."
- Unknown
"Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee."
- Unknown
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
- Mitch Hedberg
"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
- Terry Pratchett
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
- Unknown
"My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home."
- Unknown
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
- Unknown
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
- Oscar Wilde
"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."
- Graham Norton
"I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly."
- Unknown
"I don't have a Facebook or a Twitter account. But I do have a life."
- Unknown
"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it."
- Bill Gates
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
- Jack Handey
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."
- Ron White
"I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman, I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together."
- Unknown
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski?"
- Unknown
"I'm not broke, I'm just financially challenged."
- Unknown
"Money talks. Mine always says goodbye."
- Unknown
"I'm so poor I can't even pay attention."
- Ron Kittle
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
- Bob Hope